Let the Breaking Begin!

I broke today. A thousand little pieces scattered like the snow that for ten minutes fell outside the window. I broke, and I shook, and I curled into a ball under my blanket and asked God to make the world stop spinning. And I asked God why it was so easy for them to walk away. Why the little ripples in their life were such big waves in mine. And I asked him to make me disappear for just a little bit. For long enough to find one of the little pieces lost in the wind.
My stomach hurts from crying the kinds of sobs that tear through you. My eyes are swollen. And I can’t quite think straight. I only know that what makes moments like this hard, is the single fact that the person who is tearing you up and throwing you into the wind is the only person who can recollect you. At least for right now.
And I know it is just a “for right now.” I know that this will be placed on the list of acceptable losses. I know that in just three months, or two, or who knows, maybe even one, the pain will be dull instead of sharp. The memories will be faded instead of clear. In a year, I will wish him every happiness with some other girl. But, right now, the most human part of me just wants him to ache like I ache. I just want to know that he too felt some tear within his soul. That he too, isn’t just thankful that I shared a year of my world with him, but aches over the fact that he won’t get any more. I want to know that in the middle of the night he has woken up wanting to tell me something and that during the day he sometimes forgets that he will never again get to kiss me. Or talk to me. Or hear my thoughts. Or hear me laugh at myself. Or watch me fiddle as I think. I want to know that something inside of him has broken too…
But, again, in the future, I will only want his happiness and will look forward to heaven, when not one iota of this will matter.
Cheers to the ripping on day five, not twenty-five. I only ask that this means my recovery will be speedy as well, since the Novocain wore off so fast…